Some nights things are fine, I can sleep and my mind, my imagination, the very ever so present insecure part of me does not get the better of me. And some nights, I lay in bed and wait for the floor to drop out from under me, I wait for my world to come to a screaching rapid halt.
Before KHO left I kept telling myself it would be "easy" this was a cake walk I have been a single mom before so 15 months was easy I could do it with my eyes closed. I was wrong. I was plain and simple flat out nothing easy about it want to curl up in a ball for the next year wrong.
I never loved anyone other than the kids, maybe I did not know how to? I am not sure but right now it feels like my soul is missing a piece. There have been many a mornings I have woken up looked out the window expecting the worst, for everything to fall aprt. And I KNOW on so many levels how very self destructive this is. But, it is a very real risk, a very real part of being a military wife. Ahhhh the parts of life we choose to not see we choose to ignore. I chose to ignore how dangerous Iraq really is. I chose to think that nothing bad will happen and all our soldiers will come home alive. I am niave.
And the military says the familys need to be happy too. HAH that is all I say for that! Oddly enough writing and getting it out makes me feel better however for me to sit and write seems like such a daunting task.
The house work waits for me as I wait for KHO to get online just for five minutes to "hear" I love you and I miss you.
So I will get to the housework reluctantly waiting for the knock on the door, waiting for my world to crumble and fall out from under me. Negative thinking? maybe.. but maybe right now it is what I have to do to keep sane.
4 comments:
Oh honey... I can only imagine what you go through on a daily basis. I would be a nervous wreck. You are an incredible mom and I can't wait to read your blog when your honey is home and see you on top of the world again. Do what you need to do to protect your sanity and well being. You, Pete and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers always!
HUGS... I can't imagine what you're going through, but hang in there.
I cannot imagine this. I think that through all of this pain, it is wonderful that you realize that the basis of so much of the deapth of your feelings, is that it is true love. What a thing to hold on to.
You are on my mind, constantly. Wish I was there to hold your hand. Watch for the Christmas markets and enjoy the season as best you can. (Don't miss the gingerbread.)Save what you can and take the kids on the bus excersions the military does. *hugs*
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