During the day I find that keeping on track getting the mundane stuff that needs to be done on a day to day basis done and I do not think so much.
The tears stay at bay throughout the day. But then the night falls the house slowly gets quieter and quieter .. and my brain becomes my master.
At night I sit and wait.. wondering if at 6am there will be a knock at my door.. or if when I start to walk the car if the "van" will be waiting. I am terrified my husband is not coming home alive to me. Maybe it is an unfounded fear and the everything happens for a reason... but still I worry I am afraid. The fear will change nothing and neither will the tears.
Only 2 months into this 15 month seperation and already I sleep minimally, My sleep is restless and plauged with nightmares. I am told this too shall pass.
Adam has turned 10 the baby is now 1 and a half.. the weather has changed and life goes on. The memorial for SFC Johnson has come and gone..and he is no longer but the world keeps going.. spinning around life continues.. seems so unfair at times.
I am feeling a bit melancholy lately. Trying like hell to keep the depression away. I THINK I am doing a good job as the kids in general are happy and life is OK for them they are unaware of how afraid I truly am so I am doing my job!!
to
well for those of you still reading I am sorry I am so pleh and no fun to read. Soon maybe things will become light hearted again.
1 comment:
Awe.. I am just so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine your pain. Vent away, let it out of you. I hope that you are able to rest more as time goes on. Many hugs and prayers, I think of you and your family often.
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