Poke me I am done..

It has officially been 1 year since I have slept alone, been a single mom, the lone parent in this so called whatever you want to call it.

In a year I have shed tears for strangers I never knew for friends in the making and some tears have been shed at the hand and at the cost of other people some I considered friends. How naive I am.

My heart is heavy tonight .. obviously as it is 1 am and I am awake writing on a blog... sleeping pills seem awfully tempting.. ohh again though with the 1 am issue..

Our lives I try to keep busy and on a good day I do ok.. on other days ehh not so much.

Adam is in football TACKLE FOOTBALL!!! Ohh how proud I am of my son.. he goes to practice and gives the sport and the team 110% of himself and he is doing it for HIM and not anyone else.. how my heart has soared with joy and pride in my son... Friday he was in the beginning stages of a panic attack and I was a little worried and I asked him what was wrong.. his reply (all 73 lbs of him) Said Momma... I am afraid the big blubbery kids .. well when they tackle me it is going to hurt and there is nothing I can do.. Fast forward to today.. he had a kid who was on the husky side practicing tackling with him.. and he DID IT! No panic attack NOTHING!! and when he was done he came up proud as punch and said MOMMA!! I can make the blubbery kid move when I tackle him! (Don't ask where the blubbery stuff came from I have NO clue..) I was beaming with pride and joy to see this side of my son.. He amazes me some days and I am truly blessed with him as a son.

Ryan also started football.. starting as a JR his FIRST year of football.. and already he is wanting to skip Captains Practice because well its not real practice momma!! I made him go anyhow. He is testing and I know this is a normal stage of teenage life. He is a good kid for the most part we just have issues with the attitude and the mouth and back talking.. ahh remember the days when we longed for them to say just 1 word.. now I long for the days when it is quiet. Ok.. really not but.. I missed my son when he was gone that year but I learned also I can survive. and it is OK to let them learn and be on their own. I am hoping he finds happiness and joy playing football.. maybe a sense of belonging somewhere other than at home with us in this family.. with friends with his peers.. his own pack so to speak.

Hailey.. Ahhh my girl!! Can I punch her in the head?? hahaha She is a 8 year old girl going on 18!! She started cheer leading and so far she loves it.. she has been asking about when her practices will start and such. She has a fondness for clothes and makeup.. she is wanting to grow up way too fast and she hates being little. I wish she could see the innocence in herself still and realize she is still very much a little girl. She is sweet and kind evil and vindictive.. she is very much a little woman in the making.

Preston is 2!!! When did that happen?? We are working on talking .. he is lazy and stubborn, but we have a speech therapist come out once a week to work with him on all this.. He says a few words but .. I dunno it is keeping him a little guy in a way. He likes to pee on the potty when it is convent for him.. But he still wakes up wet in the morning so I am thinking potty training is going to be a few years away. He is a sweet little boy.. You can tell he is the youngest of 4... and then add on my best friends children and there are 7 total. Some days he is soo rough and tumble trying to keep up with the older 6.

Pete.. well he is ok I guess, I have learned the don't ask don't tell rules do not only apply to a persons orientation in the military but it applies to a deployment as well.. That and he is constantly trying to protect me from the big bad world. Guess in a way it is sweet. but I am a big girl I can handle the truth (YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!) Did I mention it is after 1 am???

The family in general is well.. we have hit the poke me I am done stage bring the other piece of our family home NOW!! we miss him.


The days go to fast the nights too slow.
alone I lay scared to breath,
the morning lights I lie and wait

The day wears on safe I feel
truth be told alone is all I am.
into bed to close my eyes
the tears start ti fall

the morning comes and the cycle resumes.
catching me off guard
caught in a nightmare
the world forgets
no one sees

I am ready to go home.. I am ready to see somewhere new.. I HATE I LOATHE the drama and the backstabbing ignorant people here.

I can say out of all of this though.. I have ~M~ and she is my best friend and I love her.. I feel terrible some days.. it feels like I get more from the friendship than she does..






off to sleep my train of thought is all over the place, and I am talking in code and incoherent.

I will work on more pictures and updating more often.